November 16, 2021

The Last Two Months

It's been two months since I've shared anything here and so much has happened. It's been a whirlwind - some of the best and worst moments of my life. I've thought about sitting down to write something here so many times and it either feel inconsequential or too overwhelming to get my thoughts together. But, this collection of moments and stories from our lives brings me joy and has been so great for looking back on.

So, here goes a bit of the last few months. 

We welcomed our sweet girl, Olive Lucia, at 8:07 AM on September 22. It was a gorgeous Wednesday, the first day of fall, and the memories of that day are forever ingrained on my soul. She came into this world fierce but quiet. Her birth wasn't exactly how I dreamed it to be - calming and dreamlike; instead, it was full of anxiety and a jangle of nerves but she's here and she's perfect.

She was 7 lbs, 10 oz and 19 inches long. Born with a head full of dark brown hair, big light brown eyes, and the sweetest face. 

Almost two months have passed now and we're all completely obsessed with her. Nico is in awe of finally having a little sister and Lia has fully embraced being a big sister again. Lia brings her into bed with me in the mornings and Nico rushes home from school to kiss her cheeks. She has brought the most joy and light to our crew and I am forever grateful that she made it to us earthside. 

Manny took off a few weeks for paternity leave and we binged Ted Lasso, went on lunch dates, remembered how to be parents to a baby again, learned how to parent while being officially outnumbered, washed bottles and changed diapers. We learned how to be a family of five and soaked in all the cozy moments at home. 

And, just when it felt we were getting our groove back, I received the call that my dad died. My world crashed around me. I just remember screaming. All I could do was scream while rocking Olive and waiting for Manny to come home. It was one of the worst days of my life and I have spent the last month feeling lost and heartbroken and so damn angry. There's just so much going on behind the scenes and it's been really, really hard. Especially for the kids. They are both old enough to understand it, to an extent, and I feel helpless in guiding them through this. Olive never got to meet my dad and that is a heartache all on it's own. 

I don't have the right things to say to my kids or the right way to help myself heal through this. I'm just getting through the days. Some days are good and some days are bad. We're still learning how to be a family of five. We celebrated Halloween. We're planning Thanksgiving and decorating for Christmas. The kids are in school. Weekends are spent doing things around the house and making Target runs. Weeknights are slower since soccer ended so we're focusing on cooking more meals at home and spending time together. I cling to every bit of normalcy I can get. 

I never wanted my introduction to Olive on here to be written along with the words "my dad died". He died on her one month birthday and I feel like the joy of her and the painful loss of him just keep swirling around me and I'm finding it hard to separate them.

So, I find joy in making our favorite meals and giving Olive baths and anywhere else I can. I grieve while in my car alone listening to music that reminds me of my dad. 

I'll be writing content on here again. Sharing more of Olive. Some feel-good holiday content. Our weekly menus again. I'll be grieving in the midst of all of it but I know that I can't let myself stay here in this moment in time. I just keep moving forward the best I can.

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