June 28, 2010

Project Me: You make it happen.

I've been thinking of this sort for a long time coming.

I mentioned in my last post I was thinking of doing a Project Me. Part of the name was inspired by a lovely blog title but the idea behind it is just me. Me wanting and needing change. I can't say that I am 100% motivated for something like this. Then again, motivation isn't going to jump in my lap while I am sitting on my butt. I know that I had to get started, throw myself into this no matter how hard it is and the motivation comes with the progress and the crossed off goals. This project isn't because I am unhappy or anything of that sort, I just realized that I always want this or that or say I want to go here or there and be this or that and I. Never. Do. It's one the of things I struggle with. Putting what I want into words and then putting that into action.

M + I headed out to the aquarium in Brooklyn this past weekend. On the way there, I got to thinking about the Brooklyn flea market I had read about. I had mentioned wanting to go there to M before and I brought it up again, also saying we should check out Coney Island.. What M said really resonated with me...he said that I always come up with places I want to visit so why don't I just say "hey, let's go here or there today". Seems easy enough, right? Only for me, it's not. I can't really say why it isn't easy or why I don't put my ideas into actions. Am I afraid of new places and things? In middle and high school, I wasn't the coolest person. I was overweight, I dressed more of a tomboy, I think because I thought only the cool skinny girls could look girly, I didn't know how to put myself out there or accept myself as I was. I was the good girl. I got good grades and kept to myself with my small circle of friends. More into high school, I wasn't as much of "into getting good grades" but I didn't party and go out with friends on the weekend. Even now, I'm not sure why. I don't remember having low self-esteem, but I do remember never having dates or loads of friends or even having the confidence to try to have those things. Fear of rejection held me back, I guess. Because I wasn't in the popular crowd. As crazy as that now seems...

Nowadays, that's different. At some point, I found some confidence. I met M and we're now married with a beautiful baby girl. I feel like this is real life and high school wasn't. I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. And those feelings of that young high school girl I was are mostly gone. Sometimes, when I'm going somewhere new or meeting new people they surface a bit. I don't want to be rejected and I still don't feel like I am as confident as I should be. But I'm a happy wife and mother. I feel happy that I got out of my home town and met someone I didn't go to high school with. I feel kind of sad for all the old high school people I once knew who now are showing up on Facebook. They are still dating the same person, living in the same town, some even teaching at the same school we went to. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with where I came from or anyone living there or high school sweethearts. But in a small town, for me at least, it gets to be too much. I like seeing new places and things. I love going home to visit, but it's just that. A visit. I would love to live in NC again, but I don't think it's in our cards. Maybe Georgia or Virginia, somewhere not 12 hours away...maybe.

What I am saying with all this rambling of sorts is that I have realized , I am amazing. I'm a proud wife and a very incredibly lucky mom. I came out of that shell I had when I was younger. I'm learning who I am and what I want. I just have to stop holding myself back from achieving it. Life isn't going to stop for me to find the motivation and strength. I have to find it along the way.

I have struggled with weight my whole life. I'm done with that. I have always thought of the day when I was smaller. When I could wear a size 10 or 12 and be happy. I love my curves, I just don't love all the extra around them. And now I have L. Too soon enough, I'm going to be chasing her around. I don't want to be out of breath while she's playing. I want to be there for her. I want to be the best mother I can be for her. And the more I work on myself and do things for myself, the more I can do for my family.

I want to get out there and live life. With my amazing husband and our beautiful, happy daughter. And our crazy dachshund.

It's a little scary putting this out for all the world to see. But if I don't, it'll just be another thing I got too scared or too un-motivated to accomplish. I am done with that. I haven't even told M all about Project Me but it's easier for me to blog my words than say them. At this point, my head is still jumbled and it's easier to write it out and have the delete button to use. But I know he'll be proud of me wanting to make myself into the person I can be and he'll be my biggest supporter!

I'll document about once a week on how I am coming along. Weight-wise, exercise wise, life-wise. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Of course, I'll still post all about L and M and Toby and everything else in life.

I know it's not a short-time goal but a life-time change to become a new, more inspired me. I'm ready for that.

One of my goals (other than getting healthier, which is one of the main goals) is to enjoy the small things. This gal has that down. She's an amazing writer and her life is beautiful. I know life isn't always that way but she has a way of taking the bad and making it beautiful. Her blog is inspiring. And I'm going to let myself be inspired. I'm going to remember the purpose of my own blog...to see all the little somethings in life that makes it so wonderful.

Maybe this will inspire one of you out there.
Here's to Project Me: You make it happen!

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