Day 3: I make it happen. But when?

June 30, 2010

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It's Day 3 of Project Me: You make it happen.

Starting a life change is never easy. And never clearly defined, in my opinion. Unless you have Jillian Michaels around to yell and scream and push you into knowing the answer. I'm using her new show "Losing it with Jillian" for inspiration.

I know I want to change and I know eating healthy and working out are the ways to doing that. I'm just having a little trouble wrapping my mind around it. Counting calories is tricky to me. I know there are sites out there that help but I still get stuck sometimes. And man do I want to bake. Baking puts me into a better, happier place. Even if I don't eat the goods, I'm still happy with baking. I just don't want the goods sitting around and trashing them would be a waste. Anyone got any tasty baking recipes that won't make me guilty?

I'm actually looking forward to the gym tonight. Maybe that's because I'm running out of ideas of how to entertain L and Toby keeps puking up his new dog food. It's chunky, slobbery, and smelly. Sorry for the lovely mental image there. I do need to learn how to put together a whole workout and not be self conscious of trying out new gym equipment alone (anyone else feel that way?!) but for now I know 30 (and working my way up) minutes on the treadmill will get me somewhere and I feel good that I can at least do that.

M has extra weight to lose too. Even if he didn't, we need to become a healthier family altogether. But, I'm struggling with recipes. I know there are good ones out there. I think I'm just overwhelming myself with calories and sodium and "oh is that really as good as it seems". And on the 3 nights a week I'm at the gym I need something prepared ahead of time or something M can cook. I think I'll feel better once I get a shopping list and meal plan set. That's the plan for tonight. I may be up late...

On a good note, I can feel little changes inside me. I'm an emotional eater. Something about food just makes me feel better. Ever since I told myself I was doing this, I swear I am telling myself I am hungry when I'm not. It makes no sense. I really didn't have the urge to snack all day or eat right after meals and now I do. It's my brain playing games, I know. It's just annoying. But back to the changes, I'm not having a bad day today just an off day. I'm overwhelmed a bit and tired of dog puke. And tired of being unmotivated. I realize if I feel myself going to eat something out of emotion or boredom, I stop myself before I can. I literally had a cookie in my mouth earlier and I spit it out. I knew I didn't want that cookie. I didn't need it. The 60-80 calories in it weren't worth it. They sure as heck weren't gonna make me feel any better.

I'm on track with my goals though. I'm trying to be conscious of my foods and calories. I'm hitting the gym. I'm taking L and Toby for daily walks. I'm trying to do little things for myself like reading in a bubble bath and painting my nails. Silly, but it makes a girl feel good.

Now, I just have to find things to do through the day to keep me and L from being bored. And not spend money!

Oh, and I'm going to watch "Eclipse" tomorrow night with a friend. That's a mood booster, for sure!
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June 29, 2010

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My dear girl,
With your pigtails and big brown eyes, your contagious smile and laugh, your budda belly and rolls galore, your huge heart and amazing spirit you have made me the happiest mama. EVER.

Today is your half birthday. The big seis. 6 months. Just saying it, sometimes I still don't believe it.

Just a short 6 months ago, I was doing this...

And now, I'm doing this!

My how you've grown so big. I miss those tiny newborn days but I am so excited for the future!

XOXO, mommy
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Project Me: You make it happen.

June 28, 2010

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I've been thinking of this sort for a long time coming.

I mentioned in my last post I was thinking of doing a Project Me. Part of the name was inspired by a lovely blog title but the idea behind it is just me. Me wanting and needing change. I can't say that I am 100% motivated for something like this. Then again, motivation isn't going to jump in my lap while I am sitting on my butt. I know that I had to get started, throw myself into this no matter how hard it is and the motivation comes with the progress and the crossed off goals. This project isn't because I am unhappy or anything of that sort, I just realized that I always want this or that or say I want to go here or there and be this or that and I. Never. Do. It's one the of things I struggle with. Putting what I want into words and then putting that into action.

M + I headed out to the aquarium in Brooklyn this past weekend. On the way there, I got to thinking about the Brooklyn flea market I had read about. I had mentioned wanting to go there to M before and I brought it up again, also saying we should check out Coney Island.. What M said really resonated with me...he said that I always come up with places I want to visit so why don't I just say "hey, let's go here or there today". Seems easy enough, right? Only for me, it's not. I can't really say why it isn't easy or why I don't put my ideas into actions. Am I afraid of new places and things? In middle and high school, I wasn't the coolest person. I was overweight, I dressed more of a tomboy, I think because I thought only the cool skinny girls could look girly, I didn't know how to put myself out there or accept myself as I was. I was the good girl. I got good grades and kept to myself with my small circle of friends. More into high school, I wasn't as much of "into getting good grades" but I didn't party and go out with friends on the weekend. Even now, I'm not sure why. I don't remember having low self-esteem, but I do remember never having dates or loads of friends or even having the confidence to try to have those things. Fear of rejection held me back, I guess. Because I wasn't in the popular crowd. As crazy as that now seems...

Nowadays, that's different. At some point, I found some confidence. I met M and we're now married with a beautiful baby girl. I feel like this is real life and high school wasn't. I feel like I am exactly where I want to be. And those feelings of that young high school girl I was are mostly gone. Sometimes, when I'm going somewhere new or meeting new people they surface a bit. I don't want to be rejected and I still don't feel like I am as confident as I should be. But I'm a happy wife and mother. I feel happy that I got out of my home town and met someone I didn't go to high school with. I feel kind of sad for all the old high school people I once knew who now are showing up on Facebook. They are still dating the same person, living in the same town, some even teaching at the same school we went to. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with where I came from or anyone living there or high school sweethearts. But in a small town, for me at least, it gets to be too much. I like seeing new places and things. I love going home to visit, but it's just that. A visit. I would love to live in NC again, but I don't think it's in our cards. Maybe Georgia or Virginia, somewhere not 12 hours away...maybe.

What I am saying with all this rambling of sorts is that I have realized , I am amazing. I'm a proud wife and a very incredibly lucky mom. I came out of that shell I had when I was younger. I'm learning who I am and what I want. I just have to stop holding myself back from achieving it. Life isn't going to stop for me to find the motivation and strength. I have to find it along the way.

I have struggled with weight my whole life. I'm done with that. I have always thought of the day when I was smaller. When I could wear a size 10 or 12 and be happy. I love my curves, I just don't love all the extra around them. And now I have L. Too soon enough, I'm going to be chasing her around. I don't want to be out of breath while she's playing. I want to be there for her. I want to be the best mother I can be for her. And the more I work on myself and do things for myself, the more I can do for my family.

I want to get out there and live life. With my amazing husband and our beautiful, happy daughter. And our crazy dachshund.

It's a little scary putting this out for all the world to see. But if I don't, it'll just be another thing I got too scared or too un-motivated to accomplish. I am done with that. I haven't even told M all about Project Me but it's easier for me to blog my words than say them. At this point, my head is still jumbled and it's easier to write it out and have the delete button to use. But I know he'll be proud of me wanting to make myself into the person I can be and he'll be my biggest supporter!

I'll document about once a week on how I am coming along. Weight-wise, exercise wise, life-wise. All of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Of course, I'll still post all about L and M and Toby and everything else in life.

I know it's not a short-time goal but a life-time change to become a new, more inspired me. I'm ready for that.

One of my goals (other than getting healthier, which is one of the main goals) is to enjoy the small things. This gal has that down. She's an amazing writer and her life is beautiful. I know life isn't always that way but she has a way of taking the bad and making it beautiful. Her blog is inspiring. And I'm going to let myself be inspired. I'm going to remember the purpose of my own see all the little somethings in life that makes it so wonderful.

Maybe this will inspire one of you out there.
Here's to Project Me: You make it happen!
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Quick update.

June 23, 2010

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Hello blog!

Excuse my disappearing act...moving (and I learned real quick that moving across town is MUCH harder than moving to a new state, go figure!) and visiting family has taken all my time + energy. But, we are back home and I've gotten most of this new house turned into our home so I can spare a few minutes. I have missed the 'ole blog.

Quick update...
North Carolina is blistering hot. Visiting my family was amazing.
L rolled over for the 1st time!
She had her first 4-wheeler ride too. And LOVED it!
Sex and the City 2 was slightly disappointing. But at least M + I had a date night!
Eclipse is out soon! Yes, I am twilight lover.
Our new house is oh so nice.
Oh, and I didn't take a single picture in NC. Boo to me.
I am thinking of doing a project: me. More on that later...

For now, my spare minutes are up! Dinner needs to be made, L is cranky and I'm thinking a nap might do the trick and there is loads and loads of laundry to be done.

Until my next post which will hopefully be longer and soon, here's some cuteness!

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June 3, 2010

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Rolled up jeans, Charlie Brown tee and hairbow?
That's the making of one cuteee baby!

That girl is my EVERYTHING...

Now, I'm off to pack the kitchen up. It's MOVING DAY tomorrow! Bigger house, here we come.
I must say though, I will miss this house. It was the first house L ever lived in. Although, with the military, I am sure it's the first of a long list.
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June 1, 2010

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You are 5 months old. That is almost a half of a year. How did you grow so fast? I was just looking back on pictures and came across the picture of you in your pink party dress. You were just weeks old and so tiny! Now, you're a bouncy, happy and healthy, smiley baby girl!

People stop mommy + daddy on the streets and in stores to tell us how cute you are but if they spent 5 minutes with you, they would know you are much more than just a cute baby. Your eyes. Those big, brown eyes you got from your dad. They twinkle everytime you see something you like. Your smile. Baby, that smile stops people dead in their tracks. And, your laugh? It's only the best sound. EVER. You are going to be quite the heartbreaker, little lady.

You aren't just a baby anymore. Even though you are my baby. Your personality is really starting to show through. You are such a lovey, happy baby. You have sass too. If we make you mad, you let us know. LOUD and CLEAR! And, you think it's hilarious every time mommy has to change a stinky diaper. Your sly grin says it all. Your daddy is the funniest person alive to you. He may not know it, but he's amazing at getting you to laugh and smile!

Seeing you take on the world has been my greatest pleasure. You always have to be sitting up and facing the world. You want to see everything that goes on. You don't want to miss a beat. I love that! I'm also a little scared of that when you start crawling.

You had your first experience in a pool yesterday. We bought you a small kiddie pool and mommy got in with you. You really liked it! You haven't mastered sitting up, but you were doing really good in there.

Playtime is more fun for you now. You love crinkly books and teethers. You love anything you can put in your mouth, really. Feet. Fingers. Toys. Our cell phones! Whatever you get into those chubby hands of yours makes its way into your mouth really fast. You still love your playmat. Your excersaucer is really becoming a favorite. You stand in the walker part and play with a book or the toy mommy hooked on for you. You can't reach the other ones, yet. And, of course, Yo Gabba Gabba still gets your attention away from almost everything else. I'll stand in the dining room watching you and everytime I catch you smiling at DJ Lance or Plex when something happens that you like, it melts my heart. I just can't believe all the things you are learning...

You still suck your thumb if you can't find your paci. Only when you are going to sleep though. And, you've picked up this new thing. You'll suck in your bottom lip. It's the funniest and cutest thing! I see Daddy do it too. I think that's where you get it from.

Your checkup isn't until next week, but I bet you weigh at least 16 lbs. You love your food! You have about (5) 6 oz bottles a day (that you hold all on your own!) and a breakfast + dinner of solids. I usually mix apples (your favorite!) with pears or bananas for breakfast. Sweet potatoes are typically dinner. You hate green foods. Peas and green beans are NOT okay by you! I try to sneak them in, but you just make a funny face and spit them back out. You like apples, pears, sweet potatoes, peaches, bananas. Sometimes you'll eat carrots and in the next day or two, we're going to try squash. You still don't like cereal, even when mixed with fruit. We gave you a gerber biscuit a few days ago. You LOVED it! But it made mommy really nervous so daddy took it away. When you're a little older we'll try again.

Size 3 diapers are what you wear. And you wear 3-12 month clothing! Some 3-6 month onesies + pjs fit you and Gerber onesies run small so those are 9-12 months. Mostly you are in 6-9/6-12 month "outfit" clothing. You know, the things other than pjs + onesies. Hairbows look great in that head full of hair. And, no shoes, still. 0-3 is still your shoe size, but most are too big. That's okay though, you love being barefoot.

No rolling over yet, but we think you are close. You can sit up alone, but only for a few seconds. You'll get the hang of it soon. You do great on your tummy though, you just don't like doing it very long. You hold your head up on it's own all the time. You are great at standing, as long as someone is holding your hands.

I could go on and on and on. I am sure I have lots more to say, especially since I accidently deleted the original post a few minutes ago (I cried!) and I can only recreate so much of what I wrote. Hopefully, I did. If I didn't, we'll have a part two letter.
Plus, you are waking up. I see you playing with your feet and talking up a storm. George Clooney and Robert Pattison are handsome, aren't they? Rachel Ray is so awesome for having pictures of them on her show!

I love you and your squishy cheeks soooooo much, monkey!

Taking a break to eat before we went into the 9/11 museum.
Daddy was making you laugh up a storm by imitating the bing bong of the subway doors closing!
He's so good at making you smile!

Rubbing your eyes and going to sleep! It was a long day and you were so good. Don't worry, you didn't miss much in the Muesuem of Natural History!
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